


To See if I Still Feel

by sexyconfidentpudge



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blindfolds, Coming Untouched, Dominant Armitage Hux, Graphic depictions of therapy, Homophobic Language, Hux is very soft, I never said this wouldn't be completely OOC, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kylux so soft you could use it as a pillow, Light BDSM, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Referenced Suicide Attempt, Slurs, Soft Kylux, Submissive Kylo Ren, Undernegotiated Kink, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unsafe Sex, and a pinch of blood play, and then using that come in various ways, graphic depictions of self-harm, just a hint of daddy kink, somnophilia if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-24 22:12:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16184210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sexyconfidentpudge/pseuds/sexyconfidentpudge
Summary: Kylo has a depression problem. His new boyfriend Hux decides to help him out in the only way he knows how.





	To See if I Still Feel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [huxlotrashbaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/huxlotrashbaby/gifts).



> Wow! Hey! Ok, so first off, the tags are all over the place. Please let me know if I missed something! I tried to be really thorough though, because this gets graphic in parts and could be triggering. I also tagged this as soft Kylux and I think it applies despite the many kinks. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Finally, this work is a gift for my good friend over at huxlotrashbaby. I love you, bitch. I ain't never gonna stop lovin' you, bitch.
> 
> Oh, and the title is taken from NIN's "Hurt" but I typically prefer the Johnny Cash version, tbh. #sorrynotsorry

“How have you been doing Kylo? It’s been awhile.”

Kylo scrubbed a large hand over his face, huffing out a breath. “I’m fine.”

Maz Kanata, LCSW and Kylo’s therapist for the past six months eyed him knowingly, assessing. Kylo glanced at her, making obligatory eye contact that he hoped would say, “I’m fine, really,” and looked quickly back down at his hands, fidgeting wildly in his lap. He could try to stop the fidgeting, so she wouldn’t know how agitated he was, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. Every time he tried to stop the habit he made it no more than two minutes before becoming so engrossed in his own thoughts that he had started fidgeting again.

“You missed our last appointment, so that puts us at...about four weeks. Since we saw each other last,” Maz pointed out, not unkindly. “Let’s do some catching up, shall we?” She gazed at him openly, her eyes appearing absurdly wide through her glasses that  _ had to be _ made of real glass. He grunted in response, shrugging noncommittally. “How’s work? Are you still at the shoe store?”

“It’s going ok,” Kylo told her, truthfully. He minded his own business but stayed friendly with peers and his sales were decent. He wasn’t overwhelmed by the part-time hours and was getting plenty of rest and free time to engage in hobbies (oh, joy!) and the required amount of social interaction for a 27 year-old man. “My sales are good and I don’t hate any of my coworkers, and they don’t seem to hate me yet. So that’s cool. I guess.”  _ They might hate me when they find out though,  _ he added to himself.

“Wonderful! It sounds like you feel comfortable in your environment and are maintaining boundaries with coworkers. You should give yourself a pat on the back,” Maz smiled at him so sincerely that his mood lifted, just a tiny bit, and he smiled back. Just a little. “How about your family? How are they? How’s it going maintaining boundaries with your parents? Is Rey back in town?” This question was harder to answer. Harder to even think about. Kylo’s mom and dad were divorced, had been for a long time, and though he knew they loved him dearly, they showed it very differently and had no knowledge of their own codependency, which was a term Kylo learned in inpatient care seven months ago and he understood to mean, “nosy and needy as fuck.” Rey, on the other hand, was his little cousin, six years his junior, and also his best friend. They’d struck a bond in their teens, despite their age difference, and had stayed close ever since. After she found him passed out in his own vomit from a prescription drug overdose, his “Attempt”, things had been strained, but they had done sessions together and worked very hard to stay close.

“Yeah, Rey’s back. She flew in on Monday. We’re doing drinks and video games tonight at my place.”

Maz smiled widely. “That sounds like fun. Do you feel comfortable being around alcohol?” What an annoying question. Of course he did. Drinking was never his vice.

“Oh yeah, I’ll be fine,” Kylo replied nonchalantly, as if he wasn’t sick of hearing that every single session.

“Well, you know what to do if anything comes up. I know you keep a copy of your safety contract with you at all times.”

Kylo did his best not to let steam come out of his ears. “Yup.” The stupid safety contract was indeed folded up inside his wallet, right next to the condom. What an embarrassment he was.

“And your parents?...” Maz pressed on.

“It’s going ok. My dad doesn’t seem too interested in talking when I’ve reached out lately, which makes me worry about his health. I know I’m overthinking it. Maybe worrying about him is just a way to cover up the fact that I’m hurt by him ignoring me. But it’s whatever. Mom’s been real good. She texts once every few days to say hi and I say hi back.”

Maz frowned slightly. “I wonder if perhaps you should just ask your father if he’s doing alright...maybe it would ease your mind to hear from him that he’s alright. And I’m sure there’s a simple explanation for why he hasn’t been responding as much. Communication is important.”

Kylo nodded, feeling much better than when he first entered her office fifteen minutes ago. “I’ll think about it.” Pause. “You know, there is something I want to talk about.”

“Shoot. I’m ready.” Maz looked at him with a bizarre blend of expectancy and patience.

“Remember the guy I was seeing? We met a few months back?”

“Oh, yes! His name was...is...Henry? Harry? Oh damn it, I know it starts with an ‘H.’”

Kylo let out a genuine chuckle, partly because Maz made him laugh, and partly because talking about Hux, his  _ boyfriend,  _ still made him giddy. They’d met under completely silly circumstances and to Kylo’s utter shock, the other man had taken interest in him. Hux had left his number with Kylo and whisked away with a smirk and a wink and it had taken Kylo two weeks of dumbfounded indecision to finally text the beautiful man with the flaming red hair and the briefcase. Every day for the last two and a half months, Kylo thanked his lucky stars that Hux had spilled coffee on him in the cafe on Main Street. “Close,” Kylo remarked, grinning even more, “his name is Hux.”

***

Hux never judged Kylo for working retail at the age of 27. Hux told Kylo every day that he was beautiful, and constantly requested selfies just to see his “handsome face.” Hux knew that Kylo had attempted suicide in January and still wanted to spend time with him. Hux had even met Kylo’s mom, and had the courtesy not to act like he hadn’t grown up a million times more financially stable than Kylo’s family could have ever dreamed of being. Hux had spent the night in Kylo’s humble apartment; had seen him take his handful of medications in the morning, and averted his eyes to spare Kylo the shame or explanation. Most importantly, Hux knew that Kylo was healing and wanted to be a part of it.

Hux even knew that Kylo used to cut himself with a fucking Bic shaving razor, emphasis on  _ used to,  _ and he made a point of kissing his scars reverently every time they were undressed together. Kylo had never felt respected, or cherished, or quite so vulnerable as he did in his relationship with Hux, and he never wanted it to end.

Kylo was pretty sure he loved Hux, and he’d never been so scared.

***

“Ha!” Kylo exclaimed as his on-screen avatar ripped out Rey’s avatar’s spine in a bloody pixelated mess. “I got you again!”

Rey huffed and set down her controller on the gray carpet in front of her and pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on her knees. “It’s not fair. You must’ve practiced every day while I was gone,” she grumbled.

Kylo grinned. He really was happy to see her again. It had only been three weeks, but three weeks away from a best friend is hard for most people. Especially if that best friend is someone you see at least once a week.  _ But you’re not  _ her _ best friend, are you... _ whispered a vicious voice in his head.  _ Stop it, _ he pushed the voice down and it was quiet.

He realized he’d been quiet a beat too long and nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I guess I practiced a little, but I did other stuff too.”

Rey quirked a brow at him, sly. “Such as?”

“Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that. Work, sleep, eat. The usual.” Then, very casually, without looking at her, as if it was  _ no big deal… _ ”Hux asked me to be his boyfriend.” He picked at his cuticle, struggling to keep excitement out of his voice and features.

The next thing he knew, Rey was on top of him like an excited puppy. “KYLO THAT’S GREAT I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE HIM HE SEEMS SO SWEET AND HE’S VERY HANDSOME AND I WISH YOU THE BEST TOGETHER.” The impressively long run-on sentence spewed forth from her mouth in one breath and she gasped for more air. She gave him a huge squeeze around the shoulders and a peck on the cheek and when Kylo feigned disgust she retreated to her own space, still closer to him than before the outburst and crossed her legs like a child waiting for story time. “Tell me everything,” she demanded lovingly, “how did he ask? Was it very romantic? Is it FBO?”

“FBO? What’s that?”

Rey sighed exaggeratedly, “Duh. Facebook official. Everyone knows that’s when a relationship is serious.” Kylo was looking at her like she’d sprouted an extra head and it had three eyes. “Wha…” Then it dawned on her. “Oh yeah. You don’t have facebook.”

Kylo chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s for real,” he assured her. “He took me to the park, and we got foot long hot dogs for dinner, from a food truck you know. And we were eating on a park bench and he had mustard on his lip and he asked me if he wanted to make it official and I said yes and told him about the mustard and that was it.”

“That’s not special at all though,” she protested. “How do you know it’s  _ real _ ?”

Kylo’s stomach sank slightly as he told her, “I just do.”

***

Kylo should have known everything would go tits up. It always did. He’d been doing so well: work was good, his relationships with his respective parents were as good as they’d ever be (with the exception of Han being MIA for two weeks), Rey was back in town and they were as close as ever, and he had Hux. He hadn’t had Depression in almost two weeks. And that’s when his father called.

***

It was a lazy summer afternoon and Kylo had the day off. He had cracked open all of his tiny flat’s apartment windows and shades, and was basking in the sunlight of the wide living room window. He felt good. He was reading Kafka’s  _ The Metamorphosis _ again, sprawled on the couch and just enjoying life when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. Quickly, he set his book down on the table, open and facing downward to save his place, like the librarians in school always told him not to do, and fished his phone out of his pocket by the fourth of the eight rings it would allow before going to voicemail. He glanced at the caller ID and rushed to answer the call.

“Dad! I’m so glad you called. How’ve you been? I texted but didn’t get any answers and I’ve been worried about you.” His greeting was met with a brief silence. Then a slurred, “Whyyyy would yew bee wurried ‘bout me kid?”

His father was drunk, which came as a surprise. As far as Kylo knew his dad had been clean and sober for twelve years. He carefully replied, “I just worry about your health dad,” and then rushed to add, “you know, when I don’t hear from you. I just worry.”

“It ain’t my health yew needa be wurry ‘bout boy it’s yers! Committin’ sue side and now I hear you runnin’ ‘roun’ with faggots ‘n’ seena headshrink. I di’n’t rais’ you t’ be like ‘at.”

Kylo stood abruptly from the couch and threw his cell phone at the wall with as much momentum as he could muster and watched it smash into pieces on impact, falling to the floor in an unfixable mess. He let out a half-scream, half-growl of hurt and anger and helplessness and felt his eyes fill with tears. He became aware of his heavy breaths and the quivering of his whole body. He stood rooted to the spot, unable to focus on anything but the fire raging inside him. Clenching up in his gut and in his chest.

He stood there so long, frozen in time, that the sun had begun sinking in the summer sky when he started to feel the urge like an itch, spreading outward from his belly like some kind of nefarious arousal. He knew what he needed to do.

***

Thirty minutes later found him freshly showered, naked and staring in the bathroom mirror. He hated what he saw. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy from crying and there were even broken blood vessels scattered across his face, like tiny red freckles. He hadn’t bothered to brush his hair, but he’d tossed it in a messy bun and it was clean. He smelled nice.

Slowly, methodically, like a prayer, he soaked a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol and sterilized the skin on his leg that he wanted to use.  _ Use,  _ like his skin was nothing more than a tool. A canvas at best. All of his old scars seemed to jump out at him, accusing him of failure. He should have known he’d fall off the wagon.

Next, he opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed an unused razor. A simple Bic disposable triple-blade, meant for shaving but very effective otherwise. Kylo uncapped it and held it up for inspection. The handle was a pastel pink and there was no “moisturizing strip” like most disposables had these days. It was the perfect implement.

Back when this was his regular ritual, he’d chosen this specific tool for it’s efficiency. It’s simplicity. It’s discretion. Nobody had a second thought about a young man with a disposable razor. The blades drawn sideways across the section of skin would create beautiful sets of uniform lines; deep enough to draw blood, and superficial enough not to do any permanent damage.

Kylo lowered the blade to his upper thigh and took a few deep breaths. The old sense of calm washed over him, like he’d never forgotten, and he slid the razor across his leg. He allowed himself a gasp as the razor glided with a very slight drag against his skin. The tugging that told him he was breaking skin. He lifted the razor away as the skin began to sting with exposure to oxygen, and watched, rapt, as little drops of blood began to blossom against the perpendicular cuts in his flesh. He closed his eyes as relief rushed from his head to his toes. He was free.

He lowered the blade for another go, and heard his front door shut. Bewildered, he wondered who it could possibly be. The sun had set an hour ago and nobody but the landlord had a key anyway. Before he could puzzle further, a familiar voice called out, “Kylo!” in such concern that his heart stopped. It was Hux. Hux was here, and Kylo had nowhere to hide. No clothes in the bathroom, nothing to cover his disgusting act. Hux was here and he was going to find Kylo in all his pathetic, glorious insanity, and Hux was going to take one look at him and he was going to shake his head and scoff, and he was going to walk out of Kylo’s apartment and never look back. Unbidden, the tears started to form and slowly slide down his face. He wished he had died when he’d really wanted to. Now, he had no choice but to face humiliation and abandonment. He was never meant for happiness.

“Kylo?” Hux called again, quieter, approaching the bathroom, which Kylo guessed was the only light on in his home. The bathroom door wasn’t even locked. He sat down on the toilet, resigned and hopeless, the pink razor still in his hand, and turned his head toward the wall so he wouldn’t have to see the rejection in Hux’s eyes. And then Hux was at the door. There was the slightest of taps on the door and upon getting no response, Hux slowly opened it. Kylo couldn’t look at him. But he couldn’t stifle the wrecked sob that came out of him either.

Kylo didn’t see the look of utter woundedness on Hux’s face as he discovered Kylo, broken in front of him. He didn’t see that look go from devastation, to calculation, and then to determination, before Hux stepped in to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Kylo saw Hux’s form get close to him in his peripherals and unconsciously flinched, preparing for a different kind of pain, but all he felt was a gentle, slender hand on his cheek, coaxing him to turn his face back forward. He turned his head in obedience, and found himself face to face with Hux’s flat stomach, clad in a light blue button-up tucked in to a pair of gray slacks. He heard Hux say his name, and felt soft fingers stroking his tear-streaked, overheated face, and collapsed forward against Hux’s body. Suddenly he couldn’t control himself at all. He buried his face in Hux’s soft side and sobbed, his whole body quaking violently.

“Come on darling, let go of the razor...that’s it, lovely, let’s go to bed, yes?” Hux took the razor from Kylo and helped him stand. He needed the help. His legs wobbled dangerously with every step, and a fog rolled into his mind. He didn’t feel real. As Hux half-lifted Kylo into the bed, the sobbing had stopped and been replaced with fine, head-to-toe tremors. He was so cold. He squeezed his eyes shut and curled in on himself, trying to warm up. Hux ran a hand down his arm in a gentle caress and pulled the covers up to Kylo’s chin, even tucking in the edges so no warmth could escape. Kylo kept his eyes closed, couldn’t open them now if he tried, but he felt the other man walk around to the other side of the bed and crawl in a few moments later. He’d removed his shirt, belt and shoes, and he pulled Kylo close to him, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. “Rest, Kylo. I’ll be here when you wake.” Kylo drifted quickly, not even thinking about how lucky he was that Hux had stayed, just the warmth and quiet. The idea of peace swirling around in his fogged up brain.

***

The first thing Kylo noticed was the smell of essential oils, drifting gently about the air around him. Lavender, and a citrus of some kind, perhaps lemon. He felt the slow and steady beating of his heart and breathed deeply, evenly. It had been a long time since he’d felt this peaceful. He knew he should open his eyes. He needed to get up. Surely somebody needed him somewhere and he was almost certainly late if he hadn’t woken up to his alarm. Instead, he kept his eyes closed and let out a long, easy sigh, turning on his side and relishing the feeling of warm sheets against his naked skin.

He had almost immediately begun to fall back into unconsciousness when he felt a heavy shift on the mattress behind him. A slender hand landed gently on his shoulder and warm, soft lips pressed on the back of his neck.

All at once, memories of the previous night flooded his mind and he felt his heartbeat increase in speed. A flash of intense shame heated his body in a fiery wave and he stiffened. Why would Hux still be here, when he’d seen...when he knew just how broken, irreparable Kylo was. He wished he would just sink into the mattress and disappear forever.

He must’ve whimpered, because he felt the hand still on his shoulder give a gentle squeeze, and the lips he had felt on the back of his neck now whispered in his ear, in Hux’s smooth British tone, “shh, darling. I’m here. I’m here.” Kylo shivered and relaxed a bit, and hated himself for hoping Hux would stay. That he’d love him and accept him as he was. Hux deserved so much better than Kylo. But Kylo was not a brave man, and though he knew he should tell Hux to leave him and find someone better, he decided in that moment to allow himself to enjoy the last of whatever Hux gave him, which was probably just pity, but pleasant nonetheless.

Kylo made a concerted effort to relax his body language, and as he willed his muscles looser, Hux cooed in his ear, “that’s it, Kylo. Relax.” And then Hux’s hand slid down Kylo’s exposed shoulder and continued to his wrist, well hidden under the blankets. His fingers encircled Kylo’s wrist, the most delicate of restraints, and at the same time Kylo felt Hux catch his earlobe between his teeth. There was a moment of stillness as Kylo registered the meaning behind Hux’s actions, where he felt the very awakening of arousal deep in his gut. He squirmed, just a tiny bit, and fast as lightning Hux pulled Kylo by his captive wrist, forcing him onto his back and pushing the blankets down to just below his waist. He couldn’t avoid looking at Hux any more, not in this position with Hux impossibly close, and the tension between them. So he looked.

Hux was lying on his side, partly covered by the bedding as well, and was propped up on one elbow staring down at Kylo with a raw, greedy expression. His pupils were dilated with arousal, black as coal ringed by brilliant green, and when their eyes met he licked his lips and folded his upper body over Kylo’s, gripping his shoulder with one hand and cradling his cheek with the other, and kissed him. Kylo melted into the intimacy of the moment, and reached up, winding his arms around Hux. Kylo pulled back from the kiss just slightly to swipe his tongue across Hux’s bottom lip and quickly replace his tongue with his teeth in a nip just hard enough to egg him on.

Hux’s response was exactly what Kylo had hoped for. He was straddling Kylo’s hips in seconds and bending forward for more kisses immediately. This time the kisses were dirtier, communication of what they both wanted, what was coming.

Hux’s weight was heavy on Kylo’s lap, and Kylo felt his cock slowly hardening. Hux continued to devour him and started rubbing his thumb against the edges of Kylo’s nipple. The sensation was somehow unbearable and simultaneously pleasant, and his nipple hardened, flushed a dark pink. Hux dug his nail into the very center of the nipple and the pressure was so much, almost too much. Kylo ground his hips upward into Hux on instinct, and for the first time he became aware that the only thing between their cocks was Hux’s briefs (Calvin fucking Klein, of course), the blankets pushed down to his shins, completely forgotten. Hux ground down in turn, and soon their kisses were more like panting into each other’s mouths as they both became completely hard.

They were both sweating and flushed, pupils blown and cocks surely leaking, when Kylo pulled back once more. “Hux. Fuck me. Please. Please fuck me.” He usually feigned a bit of desperation because Hux liked it when Kylo begged, but none of this was fake. Kylo needed it.

Hux nodded. “Yes. But first I want to do something for you. Kylo, do you trust me?”

Kylo thought about it. He did trust Hux. He trusted Hux more than he had a right to this early on in their relationship. So he looked into Hux’s intense gaze and nodded.

“Right,” Hux said, nodding to himself a bit, “I’m going to run to the bathroom for a moment and I would like you to sit at the edge of the bed with your legs open. Keep yourself hard for me. Can you do that, Kylo?”

“Yeah,” Kylo replied hastily, probably looking too eager to be anything other than pathetic.

Hux gave Kylo a quick kiss on the cheek and got up, leaving the bedroom. Hurriedly, Kylo did as he had been told, moving to the edge of the low bed and spreading his legs, feet firmly planted on the floor. His erection had already begun to wilt so he teased the slit of his cock with a finger and gave the head a squeeze, tugging on it. He stroked himself slowly, enough to get him fully hard again and maintain it, but not enough to bring him anywhere near climax. Mechanics.

Three minutes later, Hux re-entered the bedroom, no longer wearing underwear but flaccid. He had a plastic bag in his hand, but Kylo couldn’t see what was in it. He looked at Hux with an expression of open curiosity, asking with his eyes, and Hux only smiled and said, “close your eyes, please.” Kylo didn’t hesitate to obey. He felt Hux standing in front of him, smelled his deodorant faintly, and then Hux was sliding a sleep mask over his eyes. Blindfolding him. This wasn’t out of the ordinary for them, so he smiled to himself. Maybe Hux was going to stay and love him…

“Hands behind your back,” Hux demanded, gentle but dominant. Commanding but kind. Kylo obeyed and sighed in pleasure as Hux bound his wrists in a strong knot of silk. Painless but still restricting.

Kylo sensed Hux’s movement, and sure enough, Hux’s breath ghosted across the head of his cock, flagging again but still half hard. “I’m going to help you, my darling,” Hux said, his voice dripping with passion and lust. Kylo couldn’t fathom the meaning of Hux’s words, but didn’t really think it mattered at the moment. There was a neon sign in his mind’s eye that said, “IMPENDING BLOWJOB,” and he was so fucking ready.

Hux took Kylo’s cock in hand, at the base, and squeezed. He had applied just enough lube to ease the glide painlessly and Kylo was once again fully hard. Hux wrapped his lips tightly around the head and sucked. He bobbed, shallowly, and went back to suckling the leaking head. Kylo felt a sudden cold, moist sensation on his thigh, and started slightly. The coldness rubbed across his leg rapidly and was gone before he was even sure it had really even been there.

Hux took Kylo in hand again and pulled off, stroking lightly as he said, “Kylo, this is going to hurt. I need you to promise me you won’t make any sudden movements. Can you promise me that?”

Kylo nodded like a child eager to impress his teacher and without thinking, without even realizing that he was saying it, uttered, “yes, daddy, of course. Please hurt me.” Hux’s strokes only faltered momentarily and then his lips were on Kylo’s cock once more.

Kylo gasped and then hissed as he felt a dull blade swipe across his leg in one swift motion. The blade left his skin and the sting of oxygen meeting the open wound was intoxicating. Before Kylo even had the chance to sort his thoughts, his confusion, the blade slid across his thigh once more, leaving another stinging and precise cut in its wake.

Hux suddenly pulled Kylo’s cock deep in his throat, fighting his gag reflex to swallow him down. Kylo could feel every part of Hux’s throat working around him, squeezing him, and his cock throbbed hard as he felt the unexpected sting of the razor, yet again. He moaned loudly. This was wrong. So, so wrong. He knew that. It felt incredible, truly. And then he had a horrible thought. Was Hux mocking him? Trying to teach him a lesson? He sagged a bit and managed to croak, “why are you doing this?” His voice sounded mournful and heavy, and the obscene slick pop of Hux pulling back was arousing in contrast to the sinking hopelessness in Kylo’s belly.

Hux rested his hands on Kylo’s now shaking knees. “What do you mean?”

Kylo took a deep breath before asking, “are you mocking me? With the cutting. Are you trying to prove something?” He wanted to disappear.

“What! Kylo, no. No, sweetheart. I am not mocking you. I’m hurting you so you don’t have to hurt yourself, because I...I love you.”

Kylo was dumbstruck. “You...love me?”

Hux kissed Kylo’s kneecap. “Of course I do, you imbecile. I’m trying to show you that.”

“Oh,” Kylo replied intelligently, “well I love you too. A lot. Like so much.”

Hux made a sudden movement, and in what Kylo was sure was the most perverse thing he’d yet experienced, Hux dragged his tongue over each of Kylo’s fresh cuts,  _ licking up the blood. _ The strangest part of the whole ordeal was that  _ this  _ was what almost made Kylo come completely untouched.

“Hux. I’m ready. Prep me. Please prep me. I want you in me. And untie me. Please?”

Hux chuckled and stood, removing the sleep mask and untying the scarf around Kylo’s wrists. Kylo flung himself back onto the bed, back flat on the mattress and spread his legs wide for Hux, putting on a show. Hux crawled onto the bed, like a predator stalking his prey, and rubbed a single dry finger against Kylo’s hole, teasing. “You want me to touch you, Kylo?” Kylo nodded frantically, trying to push himself down on Hux’s finger. Hux pulled away and spread lube on his fingers. He lined one up at Kylo’s hole, circling the rim. “You want me to bury myself inside you and fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk for days?”

“Yes!” Kylo gasped. Hux silently pushed a finger in. He waited for Kylo to relax and then began the routine of opening him up. He took his time, deliberately grazing Kylo’s prostate every few minutes. Kylo’s cock was so hard it was more magenta than pink and Hux was sure he could make the other man come, just from being fingered. As he increased the number of fingers to three, he began rapidly stroking Kylo’s sweet spot, no stopping, and hardened impossibly at his shaking and shuddering. It would be any moment now. Hux pressed down inside Kylo just the right way and watched, rapt, as Kylo came all over his own stomach, tears in his eyes from the intensity, his lips forming a shocked “oh.”

Satisfied, Hux slowly withdrew his fingers. He dragged them through Kylo’s come and used that to lubricate his cock. When he was slick, he lined himself up against Kylo’s readied hole and pushed in slowly. When he bottomed out, he and Kylo were both panting. They stayed like that for a moment, just looking at each other in anticipation. Kylo wrapped his legs around Hux and Hux began rocking in and out of Kylo’s body.

“Harder.” Kylo managed to grit out, so Hux obliged. Urged on by Kylo, Hux was soon fucking the man beneath him at a punishing rate. The bed was creaking and they were both sweating and moaning. Kylo dug his nails into Hux’s back and dragged downward painfully, leaving welts, and Hux’s cock twitched. And then he was spilling into Kylo’s ass, filling him with spunk and all of his energy and the love he couldn’t quite express. When the throbs of orgasm finally stopped, Hux gently pulled out and rolled onto his back next to Kylo.

When his breathing had steadied again, he dragged a fingertip through the come leaking out of Kylo’s hole, and held it to Kylo’s lips. Obediently, Kylo licked it clean, looking pleased with himself like a dog playing fetch with its master.

Kylo grasped Hux’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I love it when you hurt me,” he whispered in adoration.

Hux brought their folded hands to his lips, kissing Kylo’s knuckles one at a time. “I love hurting you,” he replied, adoring Kylo right back.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaah! You made it to the end! That means my writing is actually readable! Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it, and I'd love to see comments come in! Thank you!!


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